Archive | May, 2009

One month down

29 May

It’s been a little over a month since I left him.  It’s been a wonderful, crazy, horrible, happy, sad, confusing, clarifying month. 

I’m living with my Mom and learning what that really means…I’ve started EMT classes so that eventually I might be able to get my paramedic…I’ve looked at houses until I feel like a Realtor to find a place that Jersey, Stanley and I can all live and I think I’ve found one:

http://www.mls757.com/Norfolk/Virginia/Homes/Norfolk_VA/Ingleside/Agent/Listing_1911407.html

Apparently it also has water views from the back deck.  I’m waiting on the realtor to call me back to set up an appointment to go and see the house. 

So how do I feel a month later?

Unfinished. 

 

I thought that more would be done, I’d be in a different place mentally and physically and that I wouldn’t have good days and bad.  After all, I made this decision and I knew it was the right one.  I didn’t expect the emotions to come flying out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks.  I didn’t expect to be on this wild roller coaster of feeling completely liberated and wanting to be contained and completely fenced in but wanting to spread my wings.   

So in short – it’s been a surprising month.  I have done more soul searching in the last month than I did in the past  year and have come to realizations that, while shameful, are accurate and freeing. 

 

5 months to go.

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Just so…umm….yeah

27 May

I feel just beat down.  Tired and so just….yeah.  To the point that I don’t have words. 

My ex didn’t have to call me yesterday saying that he was taking the papers to his ‘not officially retained’ lawyer till next Tuesday. 

My ex didn’t have to email me with a list of how much money I owe him despite not living there.

My ex didn’t have to reprimand me for not feeding the dogs when I was at the house.  I was running late and barely had enough time to get them, get to his house and drop them off and then get to class.  I just can’t do everything any more. 

Really – it’s the mind games.  It’s the following me.  It’s the acting like he’s still responsible for me – his words, not mine.  It’s the still wanting to claim that we’re ‘married’ in every sense of the word and not accepting that we’re separated. 

It’s the flip-flopping between being cold and hateful to me and being damn near friendly.  I don’t know what to expect every time I get a call from him or see him at the house. 

He’s meeting with his lawyer on Tuesday…I’ve got my fingers crossed that he will sign the damn papers but somehow I think that that is all a pipe dream.

Looky looky!

26 May

Invest_26May09

It’s another one!!  And this one might kick up some surf!  So excited about that 🙂  Now the water is way too cold (still) for this to really get into something but hey – at least it’s something!

Never

22 May

So I’m reading this book ‘Ask Me About My Divorce’ and I recently came across a passage that struck home. 

Taken from pg. 182, ‘why i got this tattoo’:

Here is what came back to haunt me: our unhealthy codependence.  All the time  Mike recited the chronology of our problems at great length while my stoned brain struggled to unpack what was wrong with his take on things.  How I lost track of the frequency with which I cried.  And most of all, the countelss times I’d have sex with him in the hope that it would keep him happy for a few days and give us some peace.  This was two and a half years of my life, and it was set to go on indefinitely.  I missed none of it.  After moving out, I cried maybe once, twice for the end of our relationship, the love – or we called it love, it’s hard to look back on it and feel that way – that couldn’t save us, the security, and the sprinkling of good times that keep you in a bad situation.  And then I moved on.  The negative aspects of our relationship still haunt me, but as a warning signal: I will not be in that place again.

The two parts that I have bolded here are the two lines that speak loudest to me.  While I wasn’t stoned (never done it), I feel like I’ve been in that place – where you know that something just ain’t right but you can’t put your finger on it exactly. And just ‘enough’ good times keep you sticking around and there’s always an excuse to stay…the dogs, a birthday, an anniversary, just buying the house/car…and before you know it, your 14 months past when you knew you should have gotten out. 

 

And most shameful of all, how many times I traded a reprieve from the incessant ‘me, me, me’ behavior with sex or affection.

I will not be in that place again.

 

 

Edited:

From another story ‘redeemed’:

I learned that being alone is far less lonely than being in the wrong relationship.

Amen.

I refuse to accept

21 May

Last night my ex and I got into it.  It was ugly.  Really ugly.  He called me a whore, a cheater, an infidel (as in infidelity, not the whole religious connotations thing…) and I finally stood up to him.

I refuse to accept:

  • That the failure of the marriage was completely my fault
  • That my ex is not responsible for the marriage failing
  • That having a ‘failed marriage’ is the same as being a failure
  • That I am a horrible person
  • That I am all those things he called me
  • That I have no value

And I need to remember this.  Because I  know – without a doubt – that this is going to get ugly.  But I took the advantage and I left the house.  I got the lawyer.  And I will get through this.

A Pet Peeve

19 May

So I’ve been looking for a place to live.  This necessitates visiting a number of different realtor’s websites and reading their descriptions of a variety of housing and something has occurred to me…

SPELL THINGS CORRECTLY!

Example:

it’s vacancies NOT vacancy’s

it’s back yard NOT bach yard

it’s electricity NOT elect-ricity

This is your livelihood here people.  Spell things correctly OR use the spell check OR use another word that you do know how to spell.

WOOT! An INVEST!

19 May

I am very excited about Invest 90.  Not because I think it’ll hit the Mid-Atlantic or anything but it does herald the start to Hurricane Season 2009!  I know 01 June is the ‘official’ start and all but still…bring on the surf 🙂

 

Invest 90