16 May

So I’ve spent a large part of this afternoon thinking about what has gone wrong in my marriage in an attempt to start figuring out what went wrong AND what I can learn from it.

So I figured I’d start at the beginning.  When my ex and I started dating, it was a rebound.  I’d recently gotten out of a pretty intense on again / off again relationship.  I was excited to be found attractive by someone who was in my age demographic (my ex boyfriend was considerably older than I) and I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

So we started dating.  And despite me noticing things that drove me absolutely bonkers (prioritizing friends over me, family over me, random obligations over me – notice a pattern?) I continued to date him.  And that’s when everyone that he knew and I knew were getting married…and my parents were the exact same age as I was when they got married…) and yeah.  I had actually thought about breaking up with him several times.  I wish I knew why I didn’t.  But the fact remains that I didn’t.  I guess I was content with at least being in a relationship.  I guess I just wanted something to be perfect that I was willing to compromise – but I lacked the capacity to comprehend where the line needed to be drawn that deliniates between compromising and sacrificing all that y0u are.

So he proposed and I remember thinking when he did that I should say ‘no’.  But I didn’t.  I said yes and started planning a wedding…ignoring all these warning signs that perhaps that this wasn’t a good idea…such as:

  • wasn’t really onboard with the whole ‘catholic’ thing but was ‘ok getting married in the catholic church as long as they aren’t too religious
  • was more concerned with inviting everybody under the sun than helping
  • spent more time/energy planning the golf game before the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner than anything else.

So when I look back I think that the inital strike into our marriage and relationship was the inherent personality differences.  I am (good or bad) likely to give up everything I can, do whatever I can in order to not disappoint anyone.  I hate being late.  My ex is more ok with being selfish or (to be more polite) to prioritize self above others.  This initial mindset is what I think started our marriage off on the wrong foot.

Other things that I think really broke things down…

I don’t speak what’s on my mind when I am in a relationship – or when I do, it seems to take a herculean effort.

I accept things that I shouldn’t

I never forgave my ex for his ‘inappropriate relationship’

I will sacrifice everything, to include everything that I identify as ‘me’   when I am in a relationship.

So yeah…why my ex certainly did things that was wrong – i came into this relationship pretty broken and flawed.  It has taken the failure of this marriage to force me to do some reflecting and acknowledging what originally happened that put the first crack into the foundation.


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