More reflections

19 May

So I keep going back and thinking about what all happened in the past 4+ years from when my ex and I started dating, to when we got engaged, to when we got married, and the past 2+ years of marriage.

Basically, we started dating and kept dating because everyone I knew and he knew was dating and both of us were just caught up in the that world.  We got engaged after 9 months of dating…well before many of my friends who’d been dating for far longer got engaged.  It was like we were in a hurry to prove that we were ‘real’ or ‘valid’ or counted…or something like that. 

I remember when I was training for my Marathon…he never came out on a long run (even to ride his bike along with me) or met me at my house afterwards.  It became like this daily question ‘how many miles did you run today’ the same way you ask ‘so how are you?’, ‘how was work’…Part of my Marathon training involved the Rock N Roll 1/2 Marathon in Virginia Beach…I remember that it was a huge undertaking for him to take me to the race.  He complained the entire time that he was tired.  I remember accepting that…AND when we returned to my Mom’s house – he took the long couch to sleep and I ended up with the love seat.  So I took my tired and sore legs and curled them up under me and took a nap.  That is a classic example of me accepting things I shouldn’t.  I should have either kicked him off the long couch OR gone upstairs to sleep.  Or perhaps he should have thought about me. 

When it came time for the Marathon itself, he complained about how early he had to get up…the fact that I didn’t want him to spend the night before the race (my mom was in town, as was my sister and I thought they were crashing at my place) AND I wanted some peace and quiet.  The day of the race, while he did come out and see me along the course, it was after the race when I had to climb the 3 flights of stairs up to my apartment by myself that he called and asked what I was doing for dinner…as if I had enough energy to cook!  He finally did get a pizza but then laughed at me when I fell asleep in the recliner!  Dude!  I’d just completed 26.2 miles – I was a little tired!  I remember him being pissed because I didn’t have enough energy or desire to have sex. 

Yeah…I accepted a lot – far more than I should.  But I’m inherently a people pleaser and I didn’t (still don’t like) feeling like I’m disappointing people.  So one of the things that I really have to work on is accepting that I’m going to anger people, disappoint people.  I may be brassy and outspoken but I really hate feeling like I let someone down.

I have a hard time saying no – as in, no I can’t do XX or YY especially when I know I could do it but I don’t want to – especially when it’s days/nights when all I want to do is curl up and relax.  I gotta work on that.

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