Never

22 May

So I’m reading this book ‘Ask Me About My Divorce’ and I recently came across a passage that struck home. 

Taken from pg. 182, ‘why i got this tattoo’:

Here is what came back to haunt me: our unhealthy codependence.  All the time  Mike recited the chronology of our problems at great length while my stoned brain struggled to unpack what was wrong with his take on things.  How I lost track of the frequency with which I cried.  And most of all, the countelss times I’d have sex with him in the hope that it would keep him happy for a few days and give us some peace.  This was two and a half years of my life, and it was set to go on indefinitely.  I missed none of it.  After moving out, I cried maybe once, twice for the end of our relationship, the love – or we called it love, it’s hard to look back on it and feel that way – that couldn’t save us, the security, and the sprinkling of good times that keep you in a bad situation.  And then I moved on.  The negative aspects of our relationship still haunt me, but as a warning signal: I will not be in that place again.

The two parts that I have bolded here are the two lines that speak loudest to me.  While I wasn’t stoned (never done it), I feel like I’ve been in that place – where you know that something just ain’t right but you can’t put your finger on it exactly. And just ‘enough’ good times keep you sticking around and there’s always an excuse to stay…the dogs, a birthday, an anniversary, just buying the house/car…and before you know it, your 14 months past when you knew you should have gotten out. 

 

And most shameful of all, how many times I traded a reprieve from the incessant ‘me, me, me’ behavior with sex or affection.

I will not be in that place again.

 

 

Edited:

From another story ‘redeemed’:

I learned that being alone is far less lonely than being in the wrong relationship.

Amen.

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