Struggling with being grateful

19 Oct

I’m not in a good place mentally right now. 

I am going through the process of being alone – and let me tell you – it sucks.  I have long had the whole ‘being found attractive’ and ‘having self-worth’ being too intricately tied together. 

This weekend was a learning experience.  I went out Saturday night after my shift on the ambulance with one of my former coworker’s rugby team.  I was already in a sort of crabby mood from my shift on the ambulance (despite the fact that I got a bear hug from a leukemia/lymphoma patient) so when I went out – and wasn’t hit on  (imagine my audacity to think that I would be hit on!) my ego took a pretty big bruising. 

Then on Sunday…I was already in a difficult mental place – which isn’t that surprising based on my previous mental health history (namely, I’m a struggling bulemic with body image issues and self-worth problems) I went out to a bar to watch the Eagles game.

Not only was I a bitch to my sister – because her boyfriend is coming back from Iraq (what a bitch I am! – but she’s so happy and in love and he’s so wonderful to her) that my pity party went in to overdrive.  In my head, I’m a fat cow who broke up with a wonderful guy and left my husband and I’ve already used up all my ‘chances’ in the world to be happy. 

I, of course, ignored the part where I have this cute little house, two dogs that adore me – willfully overlooking the part where my two dogs and I all took a nap during the Giants-Saints football game together – a job that pays (even though I don’t like it), a family that does love me…yeah. 

So I’m working on being grateful. 

I have the ability to turn on the heat.

I have the monetary ability to pay for my cute little house.  Yes money is tight but it won’t always be tight.  My dogs are kept in kibble and they snuggle with me every night. 

I’m learning how to do home improvement projects – from refinishing a chest of drawers to replacing a faucet.  I think I’m going to tackle draining my hot water heater this afternoon because 11 minutes of hot water is most definitely unsatisfactory.  I’m hoping that there’s just air in the tank and that draining it will solve some problems. 

So I’m struggling but I’m holding on.  Just having a mental pity party and trying to get up and over it.

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