One Year

25 Apr

Today is one year since I left my husband.  Since I walked out and said ‘goodbye’ to everything that was ‘normal’ in my life.  One year since I looked in the mirror and decided that the unknown was better than what I have at home.

And what a bitch of a year it’s been.

I feel lonely.  Sad.  NOT remorseful just wishing that I’d done a better job of picking the right guy the first time around.

I have proven that I can start all over.  That I can stand on my own two feet – with the help of my family and friends.  I can work and make it and stretch a dollar when money gets so tight I’m counting quarters to see if I can get breakfast out of the vending machine or if that’s going to have to wait for lunch.

I took on a nasty and mean divorce and came out.  Not unscathed, not in one piece, but I came out.

I dated – I made some choices that I really regret (i.e. the guy that dumped me by text message) and I realized that I am definitely NOT ready to date.

I have dealt (and am currently dealing) with a vicious resurgence of my eating disorder.  I have restarted therapy.

I am broken.  In pieces and not exactly sure what the picture on the box looks like when you put all the pieces back together.

So…one year.  One wretchedly long, hard, impossible and soul crushing year.

And I spent it on the ambulance.  Exactly what I did last year.  And somehow the City knew what I needed then and what I needed now.  To stay busy and to reach out and help someone else.  This extension of self so that I didn’t (don’t) spend all day thinking about what was, what should have been, what wasn’t  and how I don’t think it’ll ever be.

So I ran my ass off.  It was hot and sweaty and still – I was busy, loved for being me by my partners and my squad.

All I want to be is to be loved for me.  Not for who I could be but who I am today.  Flaws, failures and all. I didn’t have it a year ago.  I don’t know that I’ll have it a year from now.  But I know that I have two dogs that worship me and flip out when I come home.  I have a family that supports me – even if they don’t fully understand me or where I’m coming from.  And I have two best friends that will drop everything to tell me that I am perfect just being me.

What a year.

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