Forgive but do not forget

29 Apr

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.  ~ Thomas Szasz


Not last night, but the night before that was a god-awful, heart wrenching, soul searching, innards-evicerating night. I finally said – out loud to another person – what I’m thinking about love, life and my rocky relationship with God. 

2009 was a shitty year.  My marriage exploded leaving me reeling and searching for an identity – any identity – to wear as a skin against the world.  Just as a felt like I was starting to reclaim myself, 2010 hit me in January with news that I haven’t quite recovered from.  I’m not at a place yet where I feel comfortable putting out there what the news was but suffice to say that it has sent me back to square one. 

Which is part of why I’m in therapy.

The other part of why I’m in therapy is actually multiple parts but they are inseparable – eating disorder, self-esteem, self-preservation, emotional and physical abuse.  At this point I am unable to parse them all out individually…but it’s this giant pool of depression and hate and sadness that pulls me in especially when stress escalates.

The thought process of if I was pretty enough, thin enough, then he wouldn’t hit me, he wouldn’t say those things.  When I get sick, the ache and the pain in my stomach goes away and I feel lighter – not as weighed down.  If I skip a meal, I demonstrate that I have more will power and strength.

So I will not forget who I was dating when this started.  I will not forget the scars that I have (physically and mentally) from this man. 

I will work on forgiving myself. 

With all of that though, I have questions and with that means that I question my faith.  If God is a kind and benevolent God, why did he let me get this broken?  Why do I hurt so badly inside?  Why has he given me this challenge of the eating disorder and assorted other issues?  Why did he put my ex-husband in my life?  What have I done in my life that he is punishing me for?

Will I ever be good enough?


One Response to “Forgive but do not forget”

  1. C May 25, 2010 at 8:10 am #

    Your good enough now just the way you are!

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