And the hits just keep on coming

3 May

They say that it is always darkest before the dawn.  If that’s the case, then I am hoping for one hell of a breathtaking sunrise.  Where I am is a very dark place…

I am lonely.  Heartwrenching, comprehensively lonely.  I hurt so badly inside that if I could, I would pull everything out and rinse it off because the pain seems caught on everything. 

Yesterday was my ex-husband’s birthday.  And all I could think about was things that we’d done for his birthday in years past and how last year so many things happend on birthdays.  It was a week before his birthday that I decided enough was enough.

And then it was on my birthday that the divorce was finalized.  Nothing says “Happy Birthday” quite like a gavel banging away on the paperwork of your previous life. 

To add insult to broken heart, I put on a swimsuit and went to the beach.  Cognitively I know I’m not obese but try telling that to the voices in my head.  Usually I can out-argue them and convince myself that I do not look that bad.  But yesterday – with my paleness reflecting back the sun – all I could think about was that I should get back on the treadmill and not come off until all the fat is melted away. 

I’d recieved some news on Friday night that also felt like salt being poured in an open wound regarding a guy that I had been in a relationship with.  The relationship ended becuase I know that I’m not ready for a serious relationship and that I need to take all the right steps to fixing me.  So yes, he’s single and I’m single.  But it turns out that he went home from a bar with a woman and – while they didn’t do anything sexually – they did spend the night together.  And holy hot damn if that doesn’t hurt.  I know in my head that he’s got all the rights in the world to do that – he’s unattached and I have no claim on him…but it still stings. 

So I was in my house having a Pity Party for 1 and trying all the usual tricks to get me to recognize that I have good things in my life…and nothing was working.  Not the lectures, or the change of scenery or the looking around….until I went to bed.  And right before I went to sleep I remember thinking ‘it is always darkest before the dawn…and all I have to do is get through this…”

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