Firefighters should not drive ambulances. EVAR

26 Jul

Saturday was hotter than hell.  I swear – Satan must have looked around and went ‘nope, too hot there’.  So what did I do?  You guessed it boys and girls – as opposed to going to the beach, the pool, a lake, a river or any body of water that might have cooled me off – I was on the ambulance.  It was 90 degrees by 8am.

Here’s the scene – 10 ambulances staffed, 3 zone cars against a city of 432,000 with an additional 250K tourists.  In 106 degree heat.  (for the record, I think that extreme cold and extreme heat make people stupid.  Like dropping close to 100 IQ points Stupid) So my partner Black Cloud and I set off.  Pre-code at a dialysis center…rectal bleed across town (which earned that patient a rather quick rectal exam as soon as we got to Wanna B ER)…elderly man passing out while landscaping w/ pre-existing cardiac problems including 2 by-passes (see what I mean about stupid?), car accident damn near in the next city, ice pick in the hand at a neighboring college and then – 17yo male on a bicycle hit by a car going 45mph. 

This is where I leared rather quickly that firefighters who don’t usually drive ambulances SHOULD.NOT.EVAR.DRIVE – especially with me in the back.  I swear I felt like the ball in a pinball machine. 

Black Cloud and I are in the back of the ambulance, sweating our respective asses off, with Evil-freaking-Kanevil from the Ladder behind the wheel.  I think he forgot that there were real-live people in the back.  I am supremely grateful for the padding that surround the supply compartments – because as Leadfoot McGee rounded the s-curves on First Court road, I banged my head into them. Over and over again. 

Black Cloud was in charge of the patient’s head – cleaning up all the bloody bits – and he kept laughing at me.

The best part was when I asked Evil Kanievil to have the zone car meet us on one of the major roads leading to Trauma I ER, he got so focused on getting us to the ER that the zone car was behind us, lights and sirens, doing it’s best to get our attention and get us to pull over.  Black Cloud was laughing his ass off when I was yelling to Evil to ‘just PULL OVER’ as the zone car hit it’s horn again.  Evil responded by hitting a pothole and bashing my head against the underside of one of the compartments. 

I think that Evil hadn’t had that much of an adreneline rush in some time.  But when the patient, who’s on a backboard asks if you’re ok – it really makes me want to smack the driver of the ambulance who just took us on a ride that would make the Dukes of Hazard proud.

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