Tag Archives: the ex

Words

20 Jul

 

Main Entry:
1in·de·pen·dent 
 
Function:
adjective
Date:
1611
1: not dependent: as a (1): not subject to control by others : self-governing (2): not affiliated with a larger controlling unit <an independent bookstore> b (1): not requiring or relying on something else : not contingent <an independent conclusion> (2):not looking to others for one’s opinions or for guidance in conduct (3): not bound by or committed to a political party c (1): not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood) <independent of her parents> (2): being enough to free one from the necessity of working for a living <a person of independent means> d: showing a desire for freedom <an independent manner> e (1): not determined by or capable of being deduced or derived from or expressed in terms of members (as axioms or equations) of the set under consideration
  
 

Main Entry:
stub·born 
 

Function:

adjective
Etymology:
Middle English stibourne, stuborn
Date:
14th century
1 a (1): unreasonably or perversely unyielding : mulish (2): justifiably unyielding : resolute b: suggestive or typical of a strong stubborn nature <a stubborn jaw>2: performed or carried on in an unyielding, obstinate, or persistent manner <stubborn effort>3: difficult to handle, manage, or treat <a stubborn cold>4: lasting <stubborn facts>

 

I have been called both.  Fiercely independent and unbelievably stubborn.  Typically they are negatives – character flaws.  I don’t see them that way.  I see these two words as being two separate issues, two separate words and ones that are not used interchangeably. 
Now that I’m finally breaking free of constraints – my ex or living at my mothers – I find myself craving freedom and being (at times) bull-headed to get it. 
I just think that after being under someones thumb (my ex’s) for so long, I need this time to really re-construct who I am.  And I’m going to embrace my independence – as scary as it is. 
  
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I’m officially stress…and other non-breaking news

16 Jul

My move date changed – it moved from 07 August to 01 August.  I’m really thrilled about it – promise – but the changes mean that I’m stressing now.

How am I going to pay my rent AND 1/2 of the mortgage at my ex’s house for a month?

How am I going to pay the electric at my house AND at my ex’s house for a month?  Especially when the electric bill at my ex’s was $230 for last month?

Do I have all the right utilities turned on? Trying to get a straight answer from my realtor (do I need gas turned on?  or heating oil only?) is like pulling teeth.

When will I get the keys to my house? 

I need to have a discussion with my ex regarding the washer and dryer and the fact that I’m taking them…they were a gift to the both of us from my parents the year we got married. But I want/need them at my new house.  Particularly with Stanley who pee’s his blanket when he get’s angry or mad that he’s in his crate.  And I know it’s going to piss him off. 

Oh, and I need to tell him when the movers are coming because the bed that he’s sleeping in – that’s mine.  As is the dresser and the nightstand that is in the master bedroom.  And in his roommate’s bedroom, the two mini-book cases are mine as well. 

So I have to do that.  And Jersey (my little girl) has to go to the Vet today because it looks like she’s got ear infections in both of her ears.  After going round-and-round with the girl who orginially answered the phone when I found out about the ear infections was decidedly less than helpful.  So when I called back (because I have to handle all the stuff relating to the dogs as per the seperation agreement) I got a very different answer and one that made sense.  So I had to call my ex, tell him what he needed to do and then affirm that yes, I AM paying for all of this.  All I can think about is 15 days and this is all over with.

Now naturally, I am on the ambulance the night of the 31st and I move on the 1st.  So I know that I have to see if I can’t ask the movers to come around 11-12 so that I can get a little bit of sleep.

And my sister is mad at me because I’m moving on the same day she is.  This means that I’m taking attention or something away from her and she’s helped me move numerous times and no, I’m not kidding. 

Tonight is my Med Math, intubation and IV/IO / EJV test.  (Intervenous, interossiary, external juggular vein) I have to pass them to move on with my education.  And I’m really nervous about Med Math.  Mainly because you HAVE TO GET A 100%.  No errors, no nothing.  And I know why they do that – I mean, you really wouldn’t want someone to be giving you an incorrect dose of a drug but it’s got me panicked.

So in short – I’m stressed – about money, about my test, about paying for stuff.  Divorce sucks…but the thing keeping me going forward is knowing just how much more life would have sucked had I stayed married.

More deep thoughts

18 May

I don’t think I ever loved him.  I think I felt loyalty to him…and that’s far different than love.  And being loyal is not the foundation for a marriage.  Now loyalty, like fidelity, is intrinsic to the success of a marriage but it cannot be the foundation upon which a marriage is built. 

And that’s why the whole thing with Laura and his ‘inappropriate relationship’ hurt so bad – because I had pledged loyalty and the first time that I wasn’t available all the time, I was replaced.  Had I been a stronger or more courageous person, I would have asked for a divorce then. 

But I didn’t.  So now I have to deal with him and the consequences of my actions.

Cleaning up

14 May

On my to-do list:

– mail the payoff check for my Mazda…just got to find an envelope and stamps

– meet with the lawyer (now scheduled for Monday at 5pm)

– clean out the house of everything that is mine

– find a place for Jersey, Stanley and I. 

Basically, the sooner that I don’t have to have anything to do with my ex, the better I’m going to be.  Just having to deal with him – either via phone, text or in person really does a number on me. 

You know, he had the nerve today to complain that he was tired!  I came by to get the dogs from the house to take them to daycamp because he had to be at work at 0700 (which is the same time I have to be at work…but those are those pesky details that I shouldn’t worry about because I’d ‘leave him hanging’).  He’d had a party the night before (not a big deal, but plan accordingly!) and didn’t get enough beauty sleep.  Well, hello dude, you aren’t in college anymore.  You are a 31 year old man who has to come to grips with the fact that you aren’t 21 any more. 

I also noticed that a friend of Brian’s spent the night.  I don’t have a problem with that, but he’s got to give me some notice – that way I don’t think that I’ll be able to run upstairs and get into whatever room to get to my clothes.  Again – that’s common courtesy. 

So when I leave work today, I’m going to go and check out a house to see if it’s good for Jersey, Stanley and I and then get the dogs from daycamp and drop them off…because apparently that’s just a little too hard for him. 

I can’t wait until he’s gone for the extended weekend.  Seriously.

I don’t get it

11 May

This weekend – specifically Saturday night and Sunday – my ex and I got into it.  He had asked that if I have time, to stop by the house on Saturday night to let the dogs out.  I said I’d try.

However, I had a curfew.  My momma asked that I be home by 0100 because she wanted everything to be calm for my dad AND it was mother’s day weekend.  So I agreed.

I went over to my friends house and hung out – had a blast and lost track of time.  So I was headed back to my mom’s house at 1250 and I texted my ex and said that I wasn’t going to be able to let the dogs out.  I wanted to give him a heads up. 

Apparently that was my fatal error.

Because on Sunday we got into it…

  • I intentionally screwed him over
  • I am selfish
  • I am heartless
  • MY actions caused him to get into trouble
  • He will not ‘go out of his way to help me (about getting our cell phone account split) because of how selfish I am.

Nevermind that I took the dogs all day without complaint.  I love the dogs but this is what growing up is all about.  Sometimes things don’t go your way and you have to be an adult about it.  Apparently when he got my text that I wouldn’t be able to stop at the house, he took it upon himself to go and then got in trouble with his Sargent.  And that was my fault too. 

But then today I got an email from him saying that the cell phone split had been taken care of. 

I don’t get it.  If it’s going to be a requirement that he gets to verbally abuse me for a while before he’ll do what I’ve asked him to do in order to make this divorce thing happen, then it’s going to be a long six months. 

I guess I will have to chalk his behavior up to immaturity.  He’s never had to live by himself, to be ok being by himself.  His parents have damn near catered to his every need just because he was the ‘normal’ child.  His two older brothers  – twins – are both gay and have some serious mental problems.  So Brian, being straight and not into illegal drugs, was considered the best. 

He’s also realizing how much I did for him that I’m not doing any more.  I used to bend my entire life around when he was working and when he’d be sleeping in order to make his life better.  And now that I’m not, reality has set in and it’s not pretty for him. 

He alternates between treating me with hate to wanting to be friends to wanting to still sleep together.  I don’t understand how he thinks that if he verbally abuses me that I’ll want to jump into bed together.  I don’t barter sex and I certainly don’t get off on being berated. 

I don’t get it.

Why I’m here

10 May

So my soon to be ex husband can read my blog over at blogger.com so I’ve started this one so that I can continue to write about what’s going on with the emotional roller coaster that he tends to evoke within me. 

I don’t know how to really use this website but as I realize more features, I’ll do my best to incorporate them.